So, sorry I have been so MIA lately.
It's been difficult to find a moment to sit down and update this thing. I have been incredibly busy since I started really working in the lab a couple of weeks ago. I am really excited to be at Max Planck, but it has been a really rocky start. When I won the Fulbright, I don't think that I ever even thought twice that my lab experience here in Germany might be completely different than every other one that I have had as an undergraduate. I anticipated that all of my co-workers would understand my education level, motivation for being there, etc. However, this is not what I've found.
When I meet someone at MPI, the conversation basically goes like this:
MPI Scientist: So, are you a PhD student?"
Me: Nope, I'm -
S: Oh, so you're a post-doc, then?
M: No, I have a stipend to do research here for a year.
S: Okay, but you're getting your PhD back in the United States.
M: Nope - I just finished my Bachelors and I am here to learn for a year before I go back to the U.S. to get my PhD.
S: (Makes confused face) Oh, okay. Well, why would you ever do that?
Why would I ever do that? It's actually really hard to explain to others, now that I am here. When I was applying for the Fulbright back at Wheaton last year, I don't think that anyone ever asked me why I wanted to come here. It seemed self-explanatory, but it apparently is not.
I also have encountered some difficulties with my laboratory "advisor." In past research experiences, I have had either a post-doc or faculty advisor who directs the nature of my project, at least initially. I basically follow that person around in the laboratory until I am completely confident with all of the equipment, chemicals, techniques, etc. Gradually, as I learn more about how everything works and understand the theory behind the research, I work independently in the lab and may even begin asking my own questions. I, perhaps presumptuously, assumed that it would be the same here in Germany.
However, instead of having such an advisor here, I am basically working alongside of a new PhD student, a German - Anne. The hierarchy of the institute is also completely different from anything that I have ever encountered in academia. There are five or six research groups, which encompass the basic fundamental areas of polymer research - synthesis (where I am), physics, characterization, spectroscopy, etc. Each of these groups, which contains 60ish students and post-docs, is headed up by one scientist. Within each of these groups there are additionally project leaders (experienced PhD scientists) who are directly responsible for some portion of the research group and they are generally broken up by research area. However, what is really confusing to me is that the head research professor can hire a new student or post-doc without the prior knowledge of any of the project leaders - even though such a move directly implicates the project leader and his or her group members. Even more complicated is that the project leader doesn't even necessarily need to be physically present for things to work. For example, my project leader apparently lives in Singapore and my co-workers communicate with her largely electronically and with the phone.
It's also worth pointing out that I chose to work for a group that does research that is really unlike anything I've ever done before, as I really thought that this was the point of my Fulbright year...to learn something new. The research generally falls under the category bio-conjugate chemistry, which is pretty much a third organic synthesis, a third biochemistry, and a third polymer science - essentially what I hope to do in graduate school. While I have experience in each of those individual research areas, combining them is an entirely different story. Furthermore, my "advisor" was under the completely mistaken impression that I knew a LOT of organic chemistry, since German chemistry students have completed extensive laboratory practicals before starting their advanced degrees.
Therefore, she was stunned when I spent several hours during my first week looking up reaction mechanisms in an organic chemistry textbook - and was equally taken aback by my deer-in-headlights reaction to a complicated NMR spectrum and my questions about how the mass spec signal is processed. Though I thought I was being conscientious and responsible by trying to understand the specifics of the reactions and instrumentation that we were using, she thought I was wasting time and apparently expected me to be coming up with my own ideas for the direction of our research project. What?! (Another thing that I am thoroughly confused about is the fact that a year ago I wrote a rather detailed research proposal to win the Fulbright proposal, approved by my project leader, which has absolutely nothing to do with what is going on in the lab right now.)
We had a long conversation about my objectives for coming to MPI for the year (essentially to learn more about something I know next-to-nothing about), which just really illuminated how different the German system, is from the American one. I think that most of the problem revolves around the fact that, in Germany, PhD candidates are no longer students. Anne, said PhD candidate, has no concept of a true graduate student who takes classes, regularly converses with a research advisor about topics in their field of research, attends seminars, etc... - in this particular lab, it seems to be all about making molecules and not so much about asking these kinds of questions. Actually, for the first time in my scientific life, I am apprehensive to ask anything.
Anne is really a very nice girl and things have gotten significantly better since our conversation last week. However, I feel like she's not quite sure what to do with me - she has decied that I am a "cooking student," translated directly from the German Kochstudentin, which is an undergraduate student who helps out in the lab but is not really responsible for anything relating to the thought process behind the research. While I am happy that she and I are seeing more eye-to-eye about certain aspects, I still feel completely like a fish out of water. The whole thing is completely not what I would have expected, and I wish that my co-workers understood my situation and background better - the fact that my project leader is not ever present has made this even more difficult.
I am not trying to make this sound all negative - I really am very happy to be here and I am excited about my research project. I think that no matter what happens that I may learn more in nine months than I have in four years of college, just because this place is so intense. However, I really am feeling completely unprepared for what I have encountered at MPI thus far. It will be interesting to see how everything plays out.
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In more fun lab-related news, I went for an absolutely lovely hike with some people from the large synthetic research group that I am a part of. We went to this absolutely stunning area of land right along the Rhine River - the subject of my next post...stay tuned. We had a fantastic time and the scenery was beautiful. Lots of foliage (some of which could give New England a run for its money), some ruins of ancient castles, and, somehow, uphill walking both ways.
I took a lovely weekend trip to this area recently and have some more stunning photos to show whenever I have time to write another entry.
Bis dann,
Ashlan (who is trying her best to stay positive)
4 comments:
"Nothing that's worth it comes easy." Easier said than done, I know, but that's all I can give you. I know you can do it, Ash, just think about all those hours you spent working towards this opportunity, and find happiness in little day-to-day accomplishments!
Thinking of you-
Ash - I spent 3 years in Iowa having people look at me like I was an ALIEN for living there and got a million billion "Why on earth did you move here if you're from CT?" questions. It happens, I've decided, to anyone bold enough to simply do something that doesn't fit the mold. So try to look at your explanation to them about why you're there as a way of simply raising their consciousness about a different way, another path.
Speaking of paths, a wise woman told me once that I had to find my own.
It sounds very much like that's what you're on. :)
That post, in addition to being true Ashlan form of long, was a very good trip through the intelligent mind of a Fulbright Student. I can feel the true suffering that you are going through as a new person in a new world. One can tell stories from the past of sharing a lab experience with you, and that is because you have a great science mind, and this ruthless situation will only help it grow in a new way. Good Luck finding a good rhythm, and I am sorry that I can’t offer concrete procedures to follow, but this process of you finding your pace is surely a great trip!
P.S. And these pictures are Cool!
Hi Ashy,
Finally getting to read this. It pains me to hear how difficult this has been for you in some ways, yet so spectauclar in others. As your friends noted, growth seems to always be laced with pain. It reminds me of childbirth...so much pain, but after seeing your beautiful face, the pain faded into a distant memory---instant love! I hope you can hang on to the wonderful moments and let the difficult ones slip away.
I'm so looking forward to seeing you in the spring! Hang in there honey!
Love you tons, Mom
p.s. thanks for the horse pics...what beautiful creatures! Can't wait for you to come and visit the great barn we discovered in Belchertown!!
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